Rain~bow

This weather is so

Fitting, so perfect for me
At present. Will I ever
Get out of this?
Won't I ever be able
To function as I
Should? I can't focus,
I can't eat:
I either roll and
Dread all night, or lack
The energy to keep
My eyes aloft through
The day. My bed
Is draped with
Poppies and bluebonnets,
Enticing, calling for me.
It is as though her
Arms have wrapped around
Me, and she whispers

In my ear: whispers
Dark things, colors
My world with a single
Tint of Karen blue.
Every time I think,
My head goes spinning
And I can hardly
Ever find the drive to
Concentrate on a single
Thing, a single idea,
For long enough to be
Productive.
Me? Productive?
I wish! I'm far
Too busy skipping across
This insane rainbow
Of myself that twists
And turns through the
Clouds, never deciding
Where it might lead.
When ever have colors
Been less joyful than this?

Color Wheel

Red, blue, brown and green.
They spin and switch
Places, juggling each
Other unevenly.
Maybe red and blue
Don't quite mix.
Like oil in water-
Put them in a bottle
And shake them all
You like- but to
The end they will
Fight each other.
So they color my world-
They are in the trees
And the sky,

In and around my
Home. Everything has
Color. There is even color
In my eyes.
There is sadness and,
Of course, beauty in this
Mix of color- but, oh,
How often I long for
Simply black and white.
Even night time offers
No escape: only hues
Of darkest blue.
The brightness of
Morning reveals, true yet
Subtle, every shade
Of Kadence red.
I hate being trapped
Inside! Because it
Is outside that green
Prevails and overwhelms
The world, bringing
Excitement of all kinds
Into my field of vision.
But, I realize now,
It is not only about
The colors that can be
Seen- more important
Are the colors that
Can be felt.

Hysterical

The way I feel it,
For right now-
For this minute it is
Hilarious.
It's not a cliche
For once- I never
Saw it coming!
Although perhaps
I should have.
I'm shaking with this
Sudden realization!
How could I not see
It before? It was in
My face for so long...
But now who can I tell?
I can't keep this new
Feeling locked tight
Inside- I want to tell
Everyone! But I can't
Do that. I won't.
But I have to do
Something!
I must have lost my mind...
But at the same time,
I have found it.
It all comes together
Now, all the jigsaw
Pieces fitting snugly
Into place now that
I have the missing part.
Still, I don't know
If this is a good thing,
Or what I want.
Wait.
Happiness is what I
Want- and not just for me.
My fingers tremble
While I type-
What reaction do I
Crave? I can't even
Begin to imagine...
I keep wanting to
Laugh into this empty
Room; Laugh at this irony.
But, Shh!
Can't tell yet...
Can't tell anyone.
But I will have to tell-
I can't keep this a secret.
Not from everyone, anyway.
There is someone I
Must tell.
But when, how?
Can I really say it
Out loud?
Is this real?
I want to cry-
Because I should
Have known sooner?
Because I want to tell?
I just don't know!
I finally- almost-
Know what I want.
But how can I ever have it?

Flare

I'm on an "I hate"
Rampage, and maybe
I shouldn't be eating
Just now, but I
Feel like I must while
I can. Trying to do
Too many things at
A time, trying to solve
This excruciating puzzle.
No idea what I should
Say. Paranoid over
Something that shouldn't
Even cross my mind.
And that one simple
Statement, that I don't
Understand. Who did
It come from?
More importantly,
I know who it didn't
Come from.
Who it should have come
From. But I can't
Tell anyone that.
There are too many things
That I can't tell anyone!
And now my stomach
Is tossing and roiling-
Not just from lunch-
And I don't know what
I am supposed to do!
I have that dreaded
Feeling, of wishing
I could throw up, in
A way that is entirely
In my head.
Why are so many things
Trapped inside my mind!?
I've done it again.
The cliche mistake.
Don't you think I
Would learn! Can't
I move past myself?
Can't I grow?!
Or am I stuck forever
Beneath this tree,

The same one from before,
The one that holds me back
While taunting me with
Fractured promises
And cracked dreams.
I hate!
Myself, my mistakes,
My choices- above all, my
Insecurities.
But I take small comfort
In knowing that this
Is a moodswing hate,
That these are not true
Feelings but a temporary
Flare. And for now
The storm has quelled,
And I will try to calm
It further. So wish me
Luck, sweet Catharsis,
And hope that more time
Might pass before
I call on you again.

Fish

Where to even begin?
In this vast ocean
Filled with life
I seek and have
Yet to find.
Somehow, every
Way that I turn
Seems to be the
Wrong direction-

I see these fish-
Of many different
Colors, of every
Kind and shape.
None of them are
Wrong; it's just
That none of them
Are right.
This one doesn't
Get me, that one
Can't make me laugh.
The blue ones are
Too fast for me-
The yellow ones
Can't keep up.
There are far too
Many for one single
Fish, to find that
One single other.
They dart around me
And laugh
And taunt me with
Their normalcy.

This enormous
Multitude of fish-
This overabundance of
Options, of choices and
Pathways- has become
So utterly overwhelming.
I have no eyelids!
I can't keep
My eyes shielded
Even though I wish to!
They are everywhere
I swivel myself.
I can pivot left
And dive so low,
But never may I escape
This forever-deep
School that occupies
An entire ocean.
I feel that I am
Nothing at all-
An extra pile of
Scales that merely
Drifts along in the
Waves, neither
Caring nor trying.

I spin in circles
In the wake from
Their efforts.
But I feel nothing!
They can't touch me.
But I can't free
Myself from them!
Why can't they just
Let me be?
Are they playing
Hide-and-seek, too?
But I don't want
To be "It!"
I don't even want
To play, ever again.
I just want to swim
Alone and in peace,
For as long as they
Would let me.

Comfort Zone

I have searched for
The safest forest
And claimed the
Kindest tree.
In its ample shade
Have I drawn
My magic circle
In the dirt.
It is here that I
Have made my home,
My world, my
Peace and calm.
I have built
Everything I
Could ever need,
Inscribed inside
This circle,
But its boundaries
Never change!
They don't grow
Or even shrink.
They- and I-
Stay stubbornly
In their comfortable
Place, and refuse
To budge an inch.
My toes stay
Cautiously within
This mark,
This scorch upon
The forest where
The grass has
Crumpled and only
Thistles flourish.
My bare feet have
Become bloodied
From the thorns
And brambles in
My circle, this
"Magic Circle,"
Where harm
Cannot enter-
But harm is
Already within it!
This fruit-bearing
Tree, once so full
And dripping with
Sweet juice, now

Curls downward,
Its branches long
Devoid of leaves
And anything that
Might envelop a seed.
Beyond my little home,
I see life and
New beginnings-
Endings, as well.
How can there be one,
Without the other?
Yet it terrifies me.
There are so many
New things outside
This bubble- the
Bad come with the good.
Somehow, one toe
At a time, I
Slipped my way
Free from this tomb!-
If only for a moment.
But what a proud
Moment it has been!
To feel fresh grass
Beneath my soles,
To taste firm fruit
And let the sticky-sweet
Flavor flow over my
Waiting tongue.
This smile, so
Rare and inviting, so-
Dare I say it?-
Genuine!
It creeps over my lips,
Stealing my whole face,
And for this moment
I exist. For this
Moment do I live.
I hold my breath!
But for only a moment.
I race back into
My safety circle
And hide beneath
The bristle bush.
Has the Buck seen
Me? Does he know
I am here? His
Attention is elsewhere-
Thank goodness!
I escape him and

His abundant antlers
For another day.
He is blind to my
Little haven among
The activities in the
Forest. But for
How much longer?
The Buck has a
Keen sense of smell
And a strong gut.
Perhaps he has
Felt my presence
Already?

DisFigured

All this craziness
Consuming my every hour
Sleeping or not,
Thinking or feeling.
And what do my
Instincts tell me?
Or have I been
Misreading them
All along?
If crazy means
Deranged, and deranged
Simply means disarranged-
That is me.
My mind is in chaos-
And I have been
Attempting to
Reorder it with names,
But with what results?
It's the small things
That take root inside-
That leave me jumbled
And disfigured,
Not myself at all;
And so I have the Names.
They split me up,
Calm me down,
Even if they sometimes
Confuse me even more.
At least I can
Look at them objectively,
Separate and analyze
Each one individually.
But are they individual?
Or are they really one?
Who am I, really?
Does anyone know?
Am I the same as
I've been all along?
Am I this face,
This expression upon it?
Am I even this name?
Or all of them?
Or none of them!
Am I broken?

Or only confused?
Perhaps I am the worst,
As I've feared all along.
Perhaps I am this face,
The one that is
Disfigured,
The one that has been
Changed and even
Manipulated into
A mask to hide behind.

Arrows

I feel them closing in on me-
And why wouldn't they be?
I can't even pull myself together.
I can barely manage more
Than minimum most days.
Sometimes it's easier
With people around-
It makes me try harder,
But that's not always
A good thing for me.
Sometimes trying just
Makes everything feel worse.
It's like I'm stuck in Limbo:
I hate that I can't move forward!
I haven't moved past it-
For every wobbly step forward,
I realize I'm still facing
The wrong way.
Push and pull,
Tap and tug.

Directions are so confusing!
Every decision feels wrong.
Every day feels worse.
And then the barrage last night!
That wasn't even dream state...
That was a maybe thing;
And that one, I don't like.
Can I be them?
All of them?
Will they rip me apart-
Rip us apart?
Or are they already?
And who will save me?
Who can sew me back together?
My arms are being yanked
Each in either direction,
Pulled from their sockets,
My head turned this way and that,

Spinning in circles
Until I'm so dizzy.
I can see nothing
Through the coarse cloth
That covers my eyes,
And my knobbly stick
Can't find its floating
Target in this silly
Childhood game.
It all comes back to games,
But is that only in my head?
"Red rover, red rover,
Let Kendahl come over..."
And she does.

Missing

Random surge:
What was that?
Shivering veins
Pounding thoughts
Tonight might not
Be such a good idea-
Or maybe none is.
Don't! Some are!
How is it too
Warm in here?
Anger spike-
But is it her or me?
Oh no, not tears!-
Not that burn!
For now everything
Is me- and
Everything is wrong.
Control freak?
It all bothers me,
More than it should.
I think.
Little pet peeves
That whisper to me
Every other moment.
Difference in opinion
And so much else-
A different state of
Mind and self.
Missing and Missing,
Unequal and
Compromised.
Shifting perspective
But it doesn't help.
I'm not sure what
I miss- recently
I'm missing everything.
Mostly myself.
And sharing.
I miss sharing
Most of all...
How ironic is that?
Hypocrite!
The worst of all!
The most angering,
Irritating, loss
Of control of
Qualities, if
You could call it that.
I hate it so much!
It makes me hate
People! Ye be
Warned, all ages:
I can't even
Tolerate hypocrites.
Get it together!
My life is all in
Pieces, as is
Everything I own:
A little here,
Some there.
Can't I get it all
Under a single roof?
What is so broken,
So missing,
In me that I can
Hardly function?

The Sky

I stepped outside today
Just to feel the grass
On the bottoms of my feet.
The air was thick and heavy
Clouds above in shades of gray,
With blinding light pouring
Through the gaps in spaces.
Deep breath in-
It smelled like storm,
One of my most favorite smells.
The sky opened before me,
And dripped its tender kisses
Across my nose and over
My shoulders, drenching me
In soft serenity
And for once today,
I felt at ease with myself
And it was okay that
I am simply me.
I was the sky.

Shake

This, I have to
Get out of my head:
This royal mess-up
That I can (mostly)
Accept, but that
Utterly terrifies
Me. It was there!
It was real! I
Honestly believe
This to be true-
But I can't know
It, not in any
Way that someone
Could understand.
But it was:
Haven't you ever
Had a feeling that
You just couldn't shake,
A sleep that you just
Couldn't wake, a dream
That refused to stay
In bed? This is how
I feel, that it
Started as a dream,
Became a feeling.
I felt it because
It was real!
I felt it deep in
My bones, in my heart,
In my body and my dreams.
But somehow...
Not somehow.
I know exactly how.
I know precisely
What happened,
And so as not to
Dwell on it, regret
It for the rest of
My life, so as not
To dread its repetition,
To move on,
I admit it to myself:
It's my fault!
My own carelessness
Has brought me here!
This shame that lingers
In my mind...
I hate it.
It festers and boils up
At times when I thought
I had beaten it back.
But can I ever?!
Can I ever accept this?
It was there,
And now it's not.
And I am the reason.
There is no blame-passing
Here. All me. All
Horrible and...
Regretful? Do I
Regret? Is it something
To regret? I can't
Ever forget.
Ahh!
I need to scream!
I hate this feeling
Of complete failure.
I hate that I can
Still doubt.
And most of all,
I hate that I will
Ever hold on to
This "What if?"

Exploring Karen

Clockwork morning:
Diaper change, breakfast,
Get dressed.
Make the bed.
Me, eat? Nah.
I'm not hungry.
I'm not awake.
Just now, I feel
I'm not alive,
Just this cardboard
Cutout of what
Everyone expects me
To be. The outline
Of a mom, the shadow
Of myself- at least,
What once was myself.
Today is a Karen day.
That's the way I woke
Up; I can try to fight
It, but Karen doesn't
Have the will. She
Doesn't have the fight
Like I do, but she
Is, thankfully,
A mother like I am.
Tired... bone-weary,
-What most would call
Lazy- the desire
To do is, simply,
Lacking. I am still
Trying to figure her
Out: What does Karen
Want? What does she like?
What has put her in
This depression,
Caused her to forget
What she once loved
About life- did she
Ever love life? I
Can't remember...
Karen.
Karen just wants peace,
And calm. At the moment,
A quiet room to rock
And shed her tears,
To sleep her day away
Rather than face it.

Facing it is so much
Harder for her! And I
Can't always force her
To- sometimes she wins.
Today, we're doing okay.
We're at least out of
Bed. Food? Nah. That's
A step too far for Karen
This morning. But I
Feel this pressure behind
My eyes, begging for
The sweet release
Of dropped tears.
How long can I fight it?
How long can I fight her?

Walls

Containing so much
More than a room:
These walls contain
Life, home, and memories.
Pictures hang from
Them, doorways interrupt
Them, windows are
Set in them to see
In and out. Walls
Hold space, and
Time, and shelves.
Most importantly,
They hold the roof,
Without which,
A house is nothing
At all.

Cratered

There is literal
Meaning, and there
Is associative meaning
(What it means to you).
Unfortunately, once
Something gains
Associative meaning-
A memory attached
To it- it can be
So hard to let go.
Words, songs, tastes,
Smells, names can be
Forever altered, and
When you don't want
Them to be, Every
Day can be a hassle.
Every moment can be
A memory. You can
Look in the mirror
And see yourself:
As you are, as you
Were, and as you've
Changed. You can see
The impact that
Others have left on
Your life- how can you
Remove a crater
From the surface of
Your personality,
Once it has been
Hit by a meteor?

The Ultimate Loser

How is this a
Happy end? Nobody
Wins in this game-
There is only pain
And death, and a
Single ray of golden
Sunshine glory, cruelly
Obscured by hate
And ignorance.
But somehow, the
Worst is over-
Although there
Is much more to
Endure. Months
Of useless ridicule,
Of spiteful jeers
And shamefaced
Guilt. It is my
Fault, she convinces
Herself. Could
It belong to
Anyone else?
She is the ultimate
Loser in this battle
She hadn't known
She was in. No
One takes her team,
Her best friends
Are gone- whether
Left of their will,
Or ripped from her
In that awful moment
When her whole world
Shifted from reality,
To full-on nightmare.
She still wakes up
Screaming, crying,
Retching- failing as
Always to forget that
Single moment that
Has so destroyed her,
Ripped her into
The pieces of who
She used to be.

A Closer Look

This town is like
An infection-
Glue is stuck to
The roads to keep
You here. It
Tells you what to
Think, what to say.
Where to go.
Am I comfortable
With myself?
People hide behind
What they call
Privacy, but
Is really insecurity.
Sometimes I catch
A glimpse of them,
And it can worry
Me- but if I
Pause, I notice
That this is only
The surface. If
They could let
That little bit slip...
How much is underneath,
How much have they
Managed to keep hidden?
It could be so much
Worse- they have so
Much to hide! What
Lies have they told?
Three times as many
As the ones I've
Caught! We all block
Our true selves from
Others' eyes, fearful
Of judgment and who knows
What else? Our fears
And deepest longings,
Our nightmares are
Draped behind modesty.
What are your secrets?
Why do you hide them?
Is it so bad, to share?
I am just uncovering
This new way of sharing,
Of showing myself,
Expressing what before
I'd always kept wrapped
In a sheet and tossed
Under the bed, tucked
Into the back corner
Behind shoes and old
Notebooks, mismatched
Socks and bits of trash.
But now it's been pulled out,
And thrust into the light
For everyone to see,
To read,
To share.

Step 1

Worst day ever?!
Stupid! Hormonal
And desperate!?
God, can I ever
Forgive myself?
So many tears today...
Hating myself so much.
Thank you, God,
For Catharsis, my
Saving grace.
I'm sorry that I've
Been so weak. I'm
Sorry that I lost
Control. -I'm sorry
About my hair. I
Hate this! It isn't
Fair! What do I do?
Stop crying!

Catharsis is calming
Me though. Good.
Weak-kneed.
Weak-minded.
Feeling cold and
Feverish. Oh, God-
Will I ever get
Those words out of
My head?! How bad
Is it? Cliched again.
This is not working.
Again, everything

Is shattered.
This is step 1 of
Picking up the
Thousand pieces on
The floor.
Step 1!?
How could I let
Myself go so far
Backward?! I hate
That I went backward!
I hate everything
About this moment!
I pray that God
Will forgive me;
I never will.

Headache

Fighting this feeling,
This trembling headache,
This dizziness that
Makes no sense.
This ache is
Torture- it throbs and
Moves and, somehow,
Is connected to my
Stomach. This nausea
Is so awful; It
switches between the
Urge to puke and the
Spinning migraine view.
It's so hard to focus
Just now- I'm surprised
At how well I can write,
At how well I can spell,
But I am making
Mistakes. My vision
Won't be still,
It wavers and trembles
As my nerves do.
Closing my eyes is
So nice... but I
Can't get comfortable.
I hate these times, when
I want to throw up,
Unsure whether or not
It will improve matters.
I hate fighting nausea
Verses headache.
I don't know if it
Will lead to jumpy
Vision- the most
Annoying thing...
It's keeping me from
Writing. Somersaulting
Is grabbing my breath,
And eyesight is not
Cooperating. I can't
Even catch what all
I can see! My fingers
Are freezing! My arms
As well...

Prefer

Pretending- it's become
Second nature to me.
First nature, almost.
Torn up inside?
Smile anyway.
Lonely and depressed?
Laugh along.
Conflicted feelings
Waging war in your
Head? Make hasty
Decisions like you
Own them. Feeling
Insecure? Act like
You're the queen.

"Scrapes" and bruises
Getting noticed?
Joke at how "clumsy"
You are. Some
Will see through-
Of those, some will
Talk you out of it;
Others will push you
Through it. Which
Do you prefer?

Blanked

I don't know how much
Or what I should avoid,
And what I should grow
Accustomed to. I'm
Undecided, between
Omission and pushing
Through. It's not
Like I can cut out
Everything, but I
Can't quite tell what
Is useful to keep-

Or my intentions for
Keeping them!
What do I like?!
And what am I just
Familiar with?
Comfortable with?
What do I only like
For the memory?
I hate not knowing,
This uncertainty
Of what is me,
And what is blanked.

Octopus

Unsettling,
When somehow a
Dream can use its
Sticky, slimy tentacles
And wrap them securely
Around your ankles,
Dragging you under
The surface of
The waking world.

Even when you
Know you are
Dreaming, these arms-
Your arms, really-
Won't release you,
And inject you with
Poison to make you
Forget. You can try
To fight, but the
Weight of the water
Slows you down, and
This creature was born
In the water. How
Can you hope to
Fight him? His arms
Are too long, too
Strong. His will is
The same. Your lungs
Scream for air: but
Isn't it nice here,
Drifting along with
The current, watching
Little fish as they
Dart among the coral?
Is it not pleasant,
Being weightless,
Hair floating about
Like an aura of
Peace? Of calm?
As I fall deeper,
And light becomes scarce,
The pressure weighs on
My eyelids, beckoning,
Begging me to stay...
I can barely feel the
Tentacles now, and
All I think of is
How tranquil this is...

Burdened

Ohh,
She's right,
Again.
-Duh.
I hadn't let go.
There is a time
To lose hope, and
I took too long to
Drop it. I was
Still holding on,
Still trying.
Not anymore.
I can't anymore.
Useless to.
Tedious. And only
Holding me back.
I thought I had
Cut the ties that
Weighed me down,
Dragging this
Heavy penance behind
Me- but a thick
Cord kept hold.
Tonight I have hacked
It away and resolved
Not to be anchored
Again.

Un-scared

Isn't it peculiar,
The way a single
Word can have an affect
On you? Deep. It's
Just a word.
But to me, it
Was the polar opposite
To what I expected.
To me, deep meant
Acceptance. I
Keep running it through
My head... The use of
That one simple word
Has made me smile
Since I heard it-
No matter the origin.
Well.
Maybe a little
Because of the source.
I don't know! I
Don't know how to put
This into words, not
Comprehensively.
So I will try
In a way that might
Not make sense.
This is a side
That I am just beginning
To share. And I
Think I like sharing
It! But that night
Was a breakthrough
Of multiple sorts.
My fear came true.
He asked the very
Question I knew
He would. But it
Was ok! I was
Scared that he asked,
Scared that he would
Laugh at my answer,
That he would laugh
At everything!
And he didn't.

What? He didn't?
Oh!
Maybe it's ok to feel...
Maybe it's ok to share!
To think, even!
And so I will.

Succeeding in the Worst Way

Ok, fine. My mind
Has changed. Hate.
That is exactly
What I'm feeling right
This minute.
Shaking anger.
Furious, destructive,
Raging punch-in-the-face
Anger. This goes
Above and beyond.
Maybe I should have
Expected this, but
I really didn't
Suspect that it
Would go in this direction.
This is just not
Acceptable! It's not
Right! It's everything
The opposite of right!
This just goes way farther
Than my lowest
And saddest expectations.
What was going through
His head? Nothing?
Something else much
More "important"?
Fucking videogames?!
What could possibly
Be foremost in his mind?
Do I even want to know?!
I don't even care what
He thinks!
I don't care about his
Life! I care about
Him being a father!
But every arrow is
Pointing, to him
Not wanting to be.

Shaken

So, really-
Now I can't tell
What it is that bothers
Me; Do I even care?
I didn't think so,
But sometimes another
Person can ask you
A question, and it makes
You ask yourself.
It can be a good
Thing- in some cases,
You may not so much
Ask yourself the
Question, as ask
Why they would
Even need to ask.
Of course, sometimes
You already know why.
But when I question
Myself, either I am
Doubting myself, or
I am rediscovering
Myself. Today, this
Made me doubt myself.
Made me doubt my progress.
It shook me.
I keep questioning it;
What am I really thinking?
Am I past this, or
Only disguising the truth?
Does one lead to the other?
Gahh... Do I care?
Does it bother me?
Tug-o'-war in my mind:
On one side, I hate it!
But all at once, I
Don't even care.
Either way, it matters-
It's just not my decision
To make. Then why
Do I, every so often,
Feel the inexplicable
Urge to scream at
How stupid it is!

But, really, is it?
Maybe, but who am I
To decide? I bite
My tongue again and
Again- what can I say?
What should I do?
Call the bluff,
Wait it out?
Or leave it be-
Let it shake things up?
Let the snow swirl
Around the glass a
Moment, before waiting
For it to drift lazily
Back downward?

Break!

Tear-streaked but smiling;
So much is lifted, though
Some remains unresolved.
But now that I have hope
And an extra friend or two,
I have everything.
I have time,
And this blissful-
If brief-
Break from the new norm
Of waiting and wishing.
Good Karma, thank you-
I feel like you're
My new good luck charm.
Can't I hope for now?
Floating on the ceiling,
Reveling in it while
I still can.
Don't ruin this for me!
Don't take away
My short moments of clarity
And of reality...
Real reality;
Not my reality,
Not depressed reality,
Or even possible reality.
Hold on to it as
Long as you can!

Big Black Mark

A big, thick if slightly
Crooked black line
Has been drawn across my
Thinking, and has been there
For quite some time.
Over the years, it has shifted
Slightly, becoming more
Squiggled and wiggly,
But always wide and clearly
Defined. Unfortunately,
Recent events had
Forced me to completely
Erase it: Dragging an
Enormous piece of rubber
Through the only line
I had ever put my faith
Into, and to redraw
An entirely new one;
This one dark but much
Too thin, so that I
Should most certainly
Have realized that it
Would not, could not
Be effective. The
Old outline was much
Too prominent: the
Shadow still remains,
Faint now but clearly
Visible- and although
It has proved unacceptable,
It is the boundary that
I've become familiar with;
Yet it is not enough.
It took years to
Construct it carefully.
This new line,
This thin line,
Was also drawn with extreme
Caution, yet I can't
Decide: did I unintentionally
Cross it? Or did I not
Quite draw it in the
Most useful position?
Did I fail,
Or did the boundary I
Placed for myself?
No... not just for
Myself. For her.
Always for her.
Maybe that was my mistake.
Maybe it should have been,
For morality.
But morality was far
From my intention
(Obviously)
When I rubbed my old
Big Black Mark away,
When I took the pencil
And traced it carefully
Across my feelings,
Slicing my own emotions
Into two and three pieces
Each, ignoring my
Own pain, my own
Sacrifice and suffering;
Again, I did this for her.
Does she know?
But she couldn't know.
How could she?
What would cause her
To think inside of
My own twisted frame
Of mind? The answer is
Simple: nothing.
And so I have failed.
All of my efforts,
For naught.
This new line
Has amounted to nothing.
It has ruined the mission,
Let me down miserably,
Completely destroyed
All provisions, put
Into place in such
A paranoid fashion,
But overall
It has broken down.
What else has it broken?

It has shattered time,
For now at least.
Will it fit back
Together? Or are
Too many shards missing,
Scattered across the
Floor: swept under rugs
And into the crevices
Of my muddled mind?

Good Karma Dreamcatcher

It seems I am always at war
With the images that float
Through my head at night-
These visions of what I
Don't even want anymore,
But can't seem to shake
The picture-perfect pieces
That rattle 'round my brain.
Sometimes, they leave me
Cold and alone; blankets not
Enough, friends and notebook
Falling short of comforting,
Music not quite enough.
And other nights, I wake
And I am lost... I look up,
But all I can see
Is this big black hole of
My world, this empty bag
Of memories and old feelings
That I let go of- but won't
Leave my subconsciousness.
This was a constant struggle-
But now, I have a new friend.
It hangs above me as I sleep,
Protects me from myself,
My dark fantasies and
Unfinished past. It
Blocks the wishes,
Keeps out the touches;
It even keeps away Charlotte...
Now, this may seem
Like an answered prayer,
But before I get my hopes
Up, I will wait and see,
Just how long this new friend
Can keep up with
Catching my dreams.

Questioned Intentions

How much is real?
What is subconscious-
What is delusions?
And how much is
Simply my secret longing,
My loneliness?
My wish for more-
For insanity-
For movement?!
Crazy-
I was crazy once...
Is this wish crazy?
Is it mine?
Is it an omen?
A vision?
A ghost?
A glimpse at things to come?

Michael Clarke Duncan

I hate this!-
That every little thing
Rings with his name.
YouTube videos,
Penguins,
Actors. Everything!
Like every memory is
Attached to him,
Although I'm trying
So hard to forget.
My mind is attuned
To him- I can't
Escape those thoughts:
The ones that go:
"I have to tell
Micheal when I get home-,"
Or, "Micheal
Would love that-,"
Or, "That's Micheal's
favorite-," and
Always end in
"Oh... well.
Nevermind.
What was I thinking again?"

Alter Ego

A bottle of aspirin-
Chase it with rum.
Scissors sound so
Good right now.
Rope and blood.
Tears and hate.
Misery! Hopelessness!
The swing has stilled.
Chi verses Freya.

Which am I?
Kayla verses Karen.
Today, I am Karen.
Empty... So, so empty...
But not that desperate.
Want him?
Can't have him!
Won't have him!
But want him.
Hands off!
Don't touch!
Revel in this catharsis.
Am I?
Or just fucked up?

The Second Test

I doesn't have to be
Hand-picked, a cherry-
Any idea will do.
I'm scared, almost,
Perhaps because these
Moodswings are so extreme.
I can discuss it
Rationally, but sometimes
Just the lightest hint
Makes me want to
Curl up and cry,
Shut myself in my room
With iPod on,
Headphones in,
Volume up-
Hidden in my bed
With my notebook
And pencil to keep
Me company, and
Maybe even...

What do I want?
Am I delusional?
Do I want this?
I am! I'm crazy!
I made my bed-
I begged- I wished-
I cliched my way into this.
And now I am afraid.
So what if I am?
But, what if I'm not?

Sileny

I've got to get myself inside her head-
Immerse myself into her world.
What is she thinking? Feeling?
What does she want?
Who does she trust?
What are her memories? Fears?
I must know every detail
About this girl, unremarkable
At first glance,
But beneath the surface...

Patronus

Am I really so paranoid?
Let time tell.
Feign patience.
Keep calm, and
Conjure a Patronus Charm.
Breathe in,
Breathe out.
Swing high,
Swing low.
Slow the race in your bloodstream,
Still the nerves that
Rattle through your fingertips.
Withhold your worry for tonight.
Tomorrow will tell.
Time, that fickle frenemy of mine.
Pray for vengeance.

Poison Chase

Through my veins is pumping something,
That makes me feel reckless and impatient.
This spike of poison turns me helpless
As I chase another high.
Quench this thirst with liquid that burns
All down my throat, into my belly-
But all I get is water.
This craving has come, from where?
From this restlessness, perhaps?
Or even from this strange situation,
This knowing what's wrong,
And that I messed up...
But what should I have done? Said no?
Refused? Pretended that I didn't
Want that which I clearly yearned for...
I feel so clothed and covered,
Hidden from the living world.

Time

I hate that time has been ruined for me-
Four years is nothing, yet everything.
A week, an eternity; though no time at all.
I hate that I see the down side,
That I can't look up, that I can't see the bright side,
That I assume everything will end, and badly.

Song ADD

Song ADD- flipping the switch
Try to stop thinking-
Pick something bouncy,
Avoid slow and soulful.
But it's not always easy
To ignore this feeling in my chest,
This burn behind my eyes,
This ache deep in my bones.
Wrapped up tight,
But spilling everywhere;

Surrounded but alone,
Cornered by myself,
Voices in my head:
Do they lie?
They tell me things
I don't want to hear,
Things that only might be true-
And things I won't even admit to myself.

Shovel

Oh, how things can change
From one day to the next.
I'm at an all-time low,
Without the will to
Claw my way back out
From the bottom of this hole.
And who is left holding the shovel?
Trying to figure out,
Just what am I doing?
Another spin around
Another mood swing,
Another slide down.
Making up for mistakes
That I didn't make-
Or did I? But what?!

Run

Stressed today:
Very on edge,
Gritting my teeth,
As if that would help.
My nerves are at work,
Keeping me tense,
Noticing details,
Reading too much into
Every little thing.
Is it my surroundings,
Or is it just me?
I need to run...
Or at least walk.
Something!
I'm hating this monotony-
I'm getting nowhere,
And nothing done.

To Lose

I'm happy like this-
For the moment, at least.
Just having my friends
And being there for them:
They were always there
For me, always ready
To drop anything just
Because I asked them to.
I'm happy like this-
Taking turns to scratch backs,
But with no expectations:
Giving, without needing to get.
And I am getting,
I get everything out of this-
What do I have to lose?

Catharsis

You'll keep my secrets,
Won't you? Hide
Them away between
Your pages and never
Tell a soul.
I can pour out myself
Everything-
My thoughts and fears,
Whether livid or in tears-
You take it and lock it
Away, far from prying eyes:
You listen when I
Need you, and never
Have an unkind word
For me- But what
You do have, is
My own twisted
Sense of reality.
How did I do it-
Go so long without
This outlet? It
Comes back to me
So naturally, and I
Remember the things
I've written before...
The horrid things
A simple pencil kept
Me from doing,
The memories a
Pencil recorded
For no other reason
Than to get them
Out of my head!

Simplicity

Easy?
What's easy?
Is it giving up?
Or pushing forward?
What if you have no choice?
What if forward
Is your only option?
Does that mean
Putting the past behind you?
I don't know if I
Can do that...
Staying still is easy-
But I can't be still!
I have to move, and
I certainly can't go
Backward...
So now, I just have
To figure out:
Which way is up?

Better

Were we better together?
Sometimes I feel as
Though I'm coming apart
At the seams, as

I know he is.
My thoughts are unwinding,
My mind unraveling
Further and further each
Day that we're no longer
Together. And him?
I know his patience
Wears thin, his anger
Bubbles up and loses
Control. So I ask-
Were we better together?
Or... Was it only
An illusion- us pretending
We were better-
Hiding from each other?
Some things...
There are some things
I remember, that I
Know were not me.
Some things that were irrational,
Or simply out of
Character- Why
Could I not be myself
With him?
Surely- certainly
Two people who love
Each other, can
Always be themselves
When they are together?
But then... who
Was I? Have I
Changed? Or did I
Simply forget who I was?
Yes... I think he made
Me forget...

Scorched

Infected by the past
Hiding from the present.
Who is he?
Did I ever know?
Is he many different
People- or was he
the same all along?
Has he changed-
Or could I just not
See him before?
Is it true, that
Love is blind?
Maybe I closed my
Eyes from him, hid
The truth from myself...
But why would I
Do that? I can't
Recall what went
Through my head,
Years ago when nothing
Else mattered-
What was so important
That I scorched my
Own eyes- what was
So worth it that I
Ignored my sense,
My gut, my reason?
Did I change for him?
Did he change for me?
No! Forget what was-
What's now?
Now he is only a
Battle, a challenge,
A lifetime of chess.

Littlie

Reading
Much like dreaming-
A reprieve from reality.
An all-new world
To explore as I wish
To unlock its secrets
With the master key:
My mind.
My mind, however...
A mystery all its own.
It plays hopscotch
During hours of darkness,
Leaping from one idea
To the next,
Slithering from one
Emotion, to the opposite.
Like a littlie
On the playground:
Swing high, swing low;
Climb up, slide down;
Ride on the merry-go-round.
Yet somehow, books,
In that uncanny
Way of theirs,
Remind me of real
Life, through their
Truth, their irony,
Their serious and
Accurate descriptions
Of love, hate,
Indecision.
Indecision!
My own worst enemy.
Back and forth,
Swing high, swing low.
Ah! To feel the warmth
Of two arms, wrapped
Around me
Only me.
If only I were myself...
I feel as though a
Large part of me
Has been ripped off,
Leaving behind this
Bleeding, unsightly hole of
Misery and despair.
Oh, how I miss it!
Having him, of all people!
At least he was someone-
My someone.
How could i!
How could I do that;
To him, to me?
I can't even bandage
This missing appendage,
This extension of myself
That's been removed.
Oh, tears of hate!
Of sorrow, and, above all,
Lack of regret...
I can't keep doing this!
Not to myself,
Or to my son.
I have to move on,
If not for myself,
Then for him.
He needs more-
Deserves better!
Get off your ass, Kayla!
Move!
Do something!
Quit this longing,
This self-oppression,
And, more than anything,
This self-loathing.
You can do better!
For me, for me!
You know the motto:
No regrets.
Please, heart,
Don't forget...
Lock it away
In that part of your
Mind where secrets
Are kept.
You know that place-
The one where you
Keep Conroe
And Damian, and
Now maybe him, too...
The one where you
Put bloody arms
And scissors,
Mom drunk,
Beth crying,
Lexi pleading,
All those cups of water;
That hiding place
Where memories rest
Begging to stay buried-
The lies you've told
And boys you shouldn't
Have kissed...

Subject Jumping

A little dizzy
Cold, but sweaty
Wet for many reasons.
To be touched,
To be held:
Exactly what I want
But to be loved,
To be kissed?
This is what I crave.
Longing, wishing-
What happened to us?
I miss him-
Don't think about it!
Was it love,
Or just physical?
I miss his hands.
His lips.
His voice.
But I don't want it back.
I almost cry,
I fight these tears.
I can take it.
I hope.
I can move on.
He's not important.
I can live without him,
As I keep telling myself.
Yes, I talk to myself.
At times, it feels
Like no one else does-
So I might as well.
I love this,
This mania,
This escape from thought,
Though filled with it.
Does it make sense?
Right now it does,
But tomorrow?
I'll find out.
His eyes stalk me,
In dreams and awake.
Sometimes I can shake him
But there are days
When nothing else is real,
Nothing but memories
Of his lips on mine,
His voice in my ear,
His taste on my tongue,
His words on my mind,
And now
Although I see his face
I can't recall
His feelings to show
Or his reasons;
But his lips
Inspire dreams
Of everything:
Even of Charlotte,
That ghost that I long for
In sleep and out,
In all my fantasies,
That golden-haired angel
For whom I would do
Anything, even if it
Meant destroying my life
And all sanity.
Of Charlotte, I could
Write forever,
Though we have yet to meet.
I want her, my beauty,
My sweet little girl.
She's not real!
I remind myself so often
For when I wake,
I often expect
To see her face,
To hear her voice:
"Mommy?"
No! Don't think of her!
I can't think of her!
Not now, not when
Everything is so
Fucked up, with
These sounds around me
And this sinful atmosphere.
But her eyes!
I see them!- I
Can never escape them!
But the truth is...
I don't want to
I want them every morning-
And so, you see,
This is why they won't leave;
I long for them
As I long for stability
And for arms to hold me
As I sleep in peace-
But that can't be!
I don't sleep well,
I don't ever expect to.
I need someone
This gap, it tortures me.
Not always...

Buzzed

Freefall;
Tingling;
Blood rushing
Heart thumping
Waiting- patience?
Seeing straight-
Focusing
Sights and sounds.
Tired? Or not?
I can wait.
Bleeding?
Irrelevant.
Hot? Or cold?
Both?- Maybe.
Manic- yes.
Running?
Not an option.
Buzzed.
I like it.

Sleep Patterns

Sleeping, or waking,
Or drifting between.
Tired all day,
Or up all night-
Neither matters.
Sleep is never enough
Sometimes I just give up.
At times, I can't find it,
At others, it chases me:
The dreams follow.
I dream of before,
Or what could be.
Of what I wish,
Or what I dread;
What I know isn't real.
And it scares me
When I dream of things
That might.
Are they unreal?
Or could they really be?
I don't even know
Which I want to be true.
My heart is torn so easily
Between sanity and fantasy.

Tennis Match

Racing thoughts,
Racing mind.
Tennis match:
Words unkind.
Watch in silence
Hear, but hush!
Drag it out-
There's no rush.
Always here
Whether I want to be,
Or if I'd rather vanish,
Pretend that I'm not me.
Is it real? Is it fake?
Just wait it out.
Surely, won't it pass?
I have no doubt.

Existing

I'm not even alive!
I just pretend to be,
Sit back and watch the real thing
But it's driving me crazy!
I keep my mouth shut
And discreetly look away
Still I can't close my ears
To the real things they say.

Seconds and Sharing

Oh shit, she's crying!
I want to go to her,
but can I?
It's not my place,
for I have none:
I have none.
What am I doing here?
Waiting for seconds?
Waiting for more?
I need a place
one all my own
amidst this madness,
this uncertainty
this lack of privacy...
But should I share?
Should I hide?
What's the harm?-
but it's my life!
Those are my dreams,
my thoughts!
my fears!
Is nothing sacred?
Is nothing pure?
Can't I keep it all to myself?-
locked away inside my heart
where no one can find it,
where no one can see.

Welcome Back

I'm not myself-
but if not, then who?
What I once was is gone-
I'm scared, although it's true.
Once with confidence,
now in fear.
Four years have broken me,
two far from here.
This is still home
just as always it's been.
It doesn't feel like coming back
or like remembering when.
But now I am not her:
that smiling girl from before
yet something calls me still
old memories to re-explore.
The fight's still in me,
fight or die.
Emotions come swirling again
confusing, consuming, and I
can't give in,
can't let go,
did I miss it?
I just don't know!
Is it wrong?
Is it fate?
This old habit
I can't break.
It was gone for those years,
but now it's thrown back in my face.
It helps like it did then-
is it something to embrace?
Lead on paper,
hear it scratch.
That, I missed-
Welcome back.

Reality?

What is real?
Sometimes life is, and
sometimes not.
Time isn't real, nor is sleep.
Real is what I've got-
at least, so I think.
I do not sleep to dream.
Sleep is a dream, and
nothing more.
Do I love it? Hate it?
Long for something true?
I can touch it, taste it,
but never can I own it.
Time skips and jumps
and slips by unnoticed.
Life is unreal,
like a storm with no rain,
an ocean with no waves.

Fragile

In my fragile state of mind
every now and then, I'm fine.
But my dreams will haunt me always
during nights and during days;
my happiness is shattered
once I close my eyes to sleep,
for the scenes in my head
make this sanity tough to keep.
This girl reminds me of another
who by dreams is brought to me
with golden hair and smile-
do I want her to be?
And they remind me of before
when I had illusion of
everything and more.
But now to see it makes me cry,
to recall the wish to die.
I know I can't relent,
for the one that I hold dear
my life, my all, my gravity
the one thing I have here.
What do I want? What can I have?
Should I cringe or merely laugh?
Can't I shake this feeling-
this oppression that has me reeling?
Does my soul retain its feeling,
or is only loneliness revealing?