19 October, 2012


The worst part is
That I don't know-
Which one has me jealous?
One journey is
Just beginning, but
Will it be a short one?
And the other has
Been my path for some
Time. Years, I believe.
So long that I don't
Know, really, when it
First began. For so
Long I have traveled,
Have gone in circles
About myself, only
To arrive at the
Same place again
And again. And see!
Even now, it takes
Only two words,
And up I jump,
At every beck and
Call, in every cheesy
Way. A small question
Leaves me breathless-
I'm so hopeless!
I'm gone!
But at the same time...

I'm so desperate
To begin again,
To move forward
Rather than trudge
This soulless loop
For all eternity.
My only option is to
Try. And I am.
Sort of.
But I can't tell
How hard I should
Hold on, and how
Much I need to
Let go. Still, I
Give the effort.
I hate that the
Old things still
Chase me, things
That keep digging
Back out of the ground,
Skeletons in the closet
That somehow find
Their way out.
I want a new closet!
New things to put
In it! Can't I
Have a reprieve?
I'd like to be
Above this time!
I hate this "permission"
That perhaps my head
Has only created.
So many times
The wounds have
Been reopened-
They bleed again now,
When I thought they
Had healed for good.
Since when did I
Start wanting something
Normal? A relationship
Most of all. It seems
That all of mine are...

17 October, 2012

The Catch

This halo of a haven,
This bed that is all mine.
I share only when I wish
And when I do,
How heavenly it's been.
This aura of clovers
With an extra kick of something-
What is it? Lily pads?
It could be no other.
That sweet intoxication,
The mere presence of one,
This angelic little smile
That only shows in sleep-
Pure blissful calm,
Passing over me, too.
So for a night, I have it all.
These strings remain empty
For this sleep time,
And the sugar plums in my
Head twirl and twirl,
Without a care in their hearts.
I look up to see
This underwater canopy
And I drift into the most
Resting sleep that I can
Even remember...
So that it almost makes me
Cry to wake up, to know
That this night can't last
Nearly long enough.
I want it again.
I crave the company.
That night will live on
In my heart until my
Dying day- I will cherish
It every moment.
Hanging over my head
Is only a dream catcher-
No other nagging notions
To mar this lovely night.
Nothing is being thrown-
For now, I have escaped
The Catch.

10 October, 2012

Karen Blue

Save it for another day
This unlucky Karen Blue
Keep it to a single bud
This oppressing little hue.
Leave it out in the rain
Don't bring it back inside-
Let it grow in its place,
It's for nature to decide.
Sing it in a melody,
But now it's nothing more
Lock it in this box again
-Hiding shouldn't be a chore.
Plant yourself a garden
Some flowers, just a few
Overrun the bonnet,
This bleeding Karen Blue.
Roses, poppies, tiger lilies,
Surround this forest place.
Restore this torched circle
With a ring of growing grace.
This one is the hardest-
The final little clue.
Fight it with the others,
This relentless Karen Blue.
Uncover this bed of blossoms,
Put each petal away
Sleep in rainbow dreamland-
Let the colors disarray.
Smother desperate hunger,
Lose sight of that sensation.
Blend away this shade,
Avoid your own damnation.
Begin today all over-
It's not too late to start anew
Shake off all your sadness,
Evade this Karen Blue.

08 October, 2012

Kendahl Green

Take a look, tell-
What do you see?
Spin around: the
World is green!
Have a heart, and
Have some fun.
Break your streak,
Jump the gun.
Party for one, please-
Loud music with groove,
Now you can dance,
Let your day improve.
Live it when you breathe,
Feel it when you dream.
Shake off wasted time-
Sew back every seam.
See the right colors,
Take a stroll outside.
Block out the theme,
Forget your precious pride.
How's this for muchness?
"We're all mad here."
Cross all the lines,
Leave behind your fear.
Here is all your music-
Now is all you've got.
Pick out the clover
In every inkblot.
Feel the rumbling,
Revel in the rain.
Celebrate the clouds,
Feel it in each vein.
Run as it pours,
And let it all grow.
It's time for Kendahl Green,
Let the daring show.

07 October, 2012

For Yourself

Stressing it.
Since when does talking help?
It makes me dig.
And that hurts worse.
It hurts to feel-
That's why I keep it buried!
What am I supposed to want?
What is safe to feel?
Emotions are made to be dangerous.
I can't stand the single things,
The little moments that
Shoot straight through you,
The ones that pang so
Roughly and kill you inside.
They linger and rip you.
The ones that flip you
Outside in,
Fill you with the most harsh
Sense of hatred-
For yourself.
This is real for me.
Does no one understand?
Do they think that I'm
Not serious? This bile
In my throat, this
Tremble in my veins.
On all sides are only
Walls, no curtain to
Fall through. I throw
Myself against them
But only damage myself.
Crouching in the corner,
Clawing at my face.


For every conversation
My heart makes itself known.
It pulses so quickly,
Hitches my breath.
In my belly swarms
A hundred butterflies,
Each a different reason
To keep my mouth shut.
This lump in my nerves,
The knot in my throat-
This teenage situation.
Why can't I just be free?
How can I handle this?
I can't afford to fumble.
I couldn't bear it.
And every little thing
Gets it all started again.
Step forward, slide back.
Pink and red,
Pink and red.
Everything clenches,
Tightens in suspense,
And my thoughts go racing
From reality to wishes
And, sometimes, to despair.
My stomach fills with
Battery acid and threatens
Me through every moment.
And when my eyes are closed...
You know what i want.
-Not what some would think.
Just the simple actions,
The gentle touch,
The softest kiss.
Those whispered words
And hands that wipe tears.
Being held for comfort.
Wake up! Get real!
Don't ever delude yourself!
And resist the pretending.
Deep breaths,
Slow the cardio.
Wanting to run for it.
Needing to scream.
This craziness,
This torment,
It stalks me every minute!
Every time I stand
The room spins-
Half the time my
Fingers shake.
I can't breathe!
And then, I see-
And briefly I am normal.
First thing, last sight-
Every thought!
And it rolls and rolls.

05 October, 2012

Just How Much

What do you say?
How can you be there
And gone all at once?
How do you show someone
That you care, without
Reminding them of
Just how much?
How can you bear your soul
Yet still keep it hidden?
To a person who has everything,
How would you offer empty hands?
It's obvious that I've
Held back- how can I not?
It makes me sick!
I hate not showing!
And I ask myself how much
Worse it could be.
I'm far too afraid to find out,
And I couldn't do that anyway.
They have made sure I know that.
I wear my mask,
I hide in my garden,
And I wish to dance in this music
That surrounds my sanctuary.
The tree towers over me,
And a solemn harvest moon
Peeks at me through its limbs.
I cower in a shadow,
For that is all I am-
A shadow of myself,
From me, but not me.
What do you say,
When you look into those eyes
And see everything;
Everything you can't have.
I can't rid myself of these
Dreams that won't be caught,
Because, although they torment
Me, they can never be called
Nightmares. Those, I can handle,
But this dream simply won't
Let me be!


I'm amazed at how free I feel
At how open I am-
This experience is enthralling!
I'm so surprised at the
Overwhelming amount of support
I'm getting from all sides.
It's getting me excited about this!
Doing what I really want- and
Loving every minute.
I find myself submerged,
Completely buried in my new work.
This is what I was made to do.
This is my calling.
My mood is lifted whenever
I write, and I love to see my words
Springing to life in so many ways.
My inspiration comes from my
Encouragement, and I'm so happy
That I get so much. I love this
Story! I feel that it has such
Wonderful direction, and very
Real characters- I only hope I
Do them justice in bringing them to
Life, in describing their story
In the most crafty way that I can.
And if I fail, I will try again-
Nothing will keep me from this.
This is mine.
It won't be taken from me-
I won't let it. This is my life.
I will follow it until my dying day.

03 October, 2012

Kimi Pink

Kimi's in love and
She knows what's true;
Kind and tender,
But so much is new.
Her eyes are dancing
While they hide so much.
Fearful and shy,
Wanting someone to trust.
The only one to calm her,
The one who makes her smile-
If only she could understand
And learn to see the style.
Kimi's alone and she's
Feeling confused.
If these are her friends,
Why does she feel so used?
She just wants that one who
Makes her feel so abloom-
She longs to be held
By one who won't assume.
Kimi's in the garden-
She's meeting somebody there.
Out of all the blossoms,
Not a one can compare.
Hidden outside is
A frog all alone.
She wants to hide,
But her cover is blown.
Kimi's revealed, now
She can't take it back.
Fighting her tears,
But she's going to crack.
Kimi's in love but
Still she's so alone.
She's in the garden
And all on her own.

01 October, 2012

Kadence Red

In all honesty, she is
The embodiment of my hypocrisy.
She is far from perfect,
As she very wells knows.
Yet she is everything about me
That is judgmental and hateful.
Much more opinionated than I,
And not afraid to speak her insults.
Somehow, I keep her in check.
So easily angered, making it a test
To keep her separate, as I have
Resolved to do for my own sanity.
I need this Kadence, to keep me
Tethered to the most important thing-
How hard it is on my peace of mind,
For me to need her! It tears
At my morals- but so does
Everything else!
Kadence asks if I ever even had any.
I hate to wonder if she's right.
They can't all be right!-
That's why I have separated them
And continue to explore them even if,
Perhaps, it is only leading to my own
Deterioration. But she questions everything!
And I never know what is worth the
Question. Be on the safe side?
But I'm so bad at that!
And so, yes, I constantly question
Anything. I need her for
Her motivation; without it,
I would only be exchanging
One extreme for the other-
And this thought leaves me
At a perpetual impasse, torturing
My thoughts into half-baked actions.
I think, most excruciating of all,
Is the way she splits my mind between
Ultimate love and hate, causing my
Insecurity in regards to what is
Tangible, and what is only
Mist upon the water.