12 June, 2013

Compass Points

It seems to come from nowhere,
Though it's myself
Slowly breaking down.
This gaping cavity,
My passion removed-
And my commander along.
Where is steadiness
When I now need her?
What friends have I?
True? Untrusted?
What's the motive,
The status?
I move in seconds
From normal to tears
And I know it's caused
By my lack of control.
I have to be her,
Perhaps not in equal measure
But each serves her
Own special purpose.
My compass points and spins,
Guides me, or tries,
And what choice have I
But to trust it?

11 June, 2013

Must Dream

Everything is broken,
Myself most of all.
I'm having me a moment
I want to peel off
All of my skin.
So hungry- Can't eat;
So tired- Can't sleep.
Can't drink. Must dream.
My insides so fickle,
Trying to confuse me,
Trying to convince me.
But again- what do I want?
I don't wanna go to work
I just want to crawl in bed
I don't want to talk-
I just want someone here.
Don't want to itch
Or scratch
Or burn
Don't want to walk
Or cry
Or run!


I make a slow circle
Around this, my little world
And see the chaos
I have caused here.
I look back on yesterday,
And the day before,
And I question my
Every action.
Who commands and decides?
Who directs and orders?
Where, to whom, are my loyalties?
I Kendahl this little fire,
And ask myself as I've been asked-
What do I want?
Am I searching for
That kind of adventure?
Kimi whispers "No!"
But on another level,
I can't help but wonder...
Not my "if's" again!
I remember her for
Who she is not-
And is that wrong?
Or good?
Or just, like me, insane?
I have not forgotten,
How could I?
That sweet smile
And hair so soft.
I miss my songs.
I miss my pages,
With all the advice
I will ever need;
For when in doubt,
For which way to go.
The same same things,
The familiar words.
Spout from the speakers-
Variations on themes.
Am I trapped along my circle?
It comes back to the same.
As do I?- As do I.
Balance her out, I suppose,
But with whom?
I couldn't say.
How can I hold back?
Must it be all or none?
Four on one?


Lids are lowered
And the film begins,
A life of its own
Though originally within.
I breathe into it,
Or it into I-
Whichever truth,
Either sky.
They dance there,
As the music rings;
Free from face,
Free to sing.


Sometimes it gets quiet
And I love the lack of sound.
Others it grows busy
And the movement keeps me sane.
There are times when
I have too much myself,
When I dwell on tense,
When I truly am missing.
Some days I hear them,
Those four with their
Own wants and needs.
I love the moments
During which it is LIFE,
When I can accept,
Without regret or bitterness:
When my heart is not breaking
And my soul is intact-
But then, some stimulus
Jolts me to a dark place,
A sad face,
And suddenly this
Pressure on my chest
Is aching with such
Strangely explicable dread.
So many little things
In everyday life,
Those little moments
Caught in time
That are screaming a name!
Inescapable she is,
And poor Kimi gets
The worst of it.
Is that what they are,
My plans?
Are they a release,
A means to cope?
Of course!?
My head is whirling,
And I am glad for it,
As lately I've been
Too occupied to have
This precious time to myself.