Don't Go

I jumped a fence at midnight
Again at three a.m.
We shiver as we speak
But don't want to go in.
My toes went numb,
My heart swelled,
The tears came,
My breath held.
When the only words
You can think to say
Are "Don't go"
But he can't stay-
When all the things
You wanted to hear,
Even the ones you
Just slightly fear-
When you beg him,
And a promise he gives,
When you wish it was closer,
The place where he lives.
He's traveling now,
But I'm stuck still
He moves forward,
Big shoes to fill.
And I sit here empty,
Can't figure this out
What should I do?
I'm so full of doubt.
I give my trust,
But still wait and see-
I believe every word
Because I want it to be.
I know that he's different,
Like no one before,
I've given so much
But I want to give more.
Yet to leave, to change,
Is so hard to do:
To repeat my past,
Or to start anew?
Shall I stay stuck,
Sink lower still,
Can I even ask,
Ignore my strong will?
Wait, as always,
And hope things improve-
Cowardly, perhaps,
But there's nothing to lose.

Bold

There's a light in the night sky
Like a torch in the air
There's a flutter in my chest
Like I really, really care.
I feel them on my lips
Like a yet ungiven kiss
And I still won't say
But, babe, tell me this-
Crazy, are you? As am I
But tell me your every thought
Let me know what you feel
Tell me cold or hot
Day in and out,
Through this month cold,
Each day is you
Bled and bold
I overthink so much
But regrets I haven't a one
More and more I like my days
The laughter and the fun
Each day I learn things new
And less in sun I sleep
I bare with ease the time between
Even though it seems to creep.

Envy

I envy you-
That you can fall apart,
That you can drink yourself stupid.
I envy you,
That you never have to,
That your days are yours.
I envy you,
That you can stay or go,
That you can hide,
That you can sleep and drink and not care,
Not a care in the world.
I envy you,
That you can spend your time in a haze,
And never need to focus.
I envy you,
That you can float and blink,
That you can breathe.
I envy you,
Your confidence,
Your everything.
I envy you,
That you don't need anything,
That you don't need...
Me.

Afraid, I Am

You can't know how afraid I am:
Afraid of losing you,
Afraid of losing home,
Of losing this.
You can't know how much I think:
About leaving,
About loving,
About liars and losers.
I can't ask, and you haven't.
And you don't know how that scares me.
What do I expect?
For you to just come out and say it?
I could never expect that of you.
Not now. Not so soon.
I'm only driving myself crazy again,
Over problems that aren't real,
And the few that are.
But what is to be done?
What is it that I want?
Whose acceptance do I crave?
I am afraid.
To be honest, I'm afraid of you.
I'm afraid of us.
I don't know what I want-
Do I ever?!

For the Count

I'm having trouble fighting
My punches barely swing
My lip is swollen, bloody,
My eye's a dark blue ring.
It kicks me to the ground
The asphalt scrapes my skin
My lungs are torn, empty,
And so I count to ten:
Ein, zwei, drei, vier,
To my feet I get-
Funf, sechs, sieben, acht,
Time to settle debts.
Nein, zehn, dodge again
Duck, tuck, roll
Time to strike out
Time to be bold.
Throw out a fist,
An elbow, a kick
Stop being afraid,
It's your fight to pick.
Don't let them keep you
Still, back, or down
Don't let them see you
Cry, fall, or drown.