A Time to Be

There's a time to be silly,
And a time to be serious-
And I love the way he draws the line.
I like the way he thinks,
And he makes me think too.
I love the way he talks,
But not as much as the way
He always follows through.
I really love honesty,
And he puts things plain.
I love what he wants for me,
What he wants for us.
There's a time to be bold
And a time to be afraid.
He fixes things,
He fixes me,
And he hates having to go.
He works, he plays,
And he encourages me,
Compliments me,
In the most surprising ways.
I surprise him too,
And I love that I can.
He likes that I write,
He loves that I sing,
And wants me to continue both.
We have problems from the past
But push them behind us.
There's a time to be focused
And a time to be in control.
He wants to run with me,
Talk with me, fight with me.
He wants to teach me,
Learn from me, explore with me.
He talks about building
And I talk about trust,
But we've got time for both.
He likes my pet
And I like his.
I accept him,
And he accepts me.

Another Round

If I had another day
I'd spend it with you anyway.
If I had another life
I'd still want you in it.
Old love moves on,
Even when nothing new comes along.
Days keep breathing
And the tide rushes out.
The cold waves drown my feet,
My jeans are wet,
But I don't care.
I love the push and tug,
I love the pull and drag.
Sand in my flip flops,
Sand in my car.
The sun falling down,
The wind picking up.
A day, a night, another round.

Start a New Day

So I kinda feel like you
Betrayed me, okay?
And you wouldn't be wrong
To say that I betrayed you, too.
And I'm so, so sorry.
If I have to go my entire life
Without seeing or speaking
To you again, I will do it
To keep this from ever happening again.
But I was alone and afraid,
And you weren't there for me.
You turned your back as if
I was the enemy.
And that still hurts.
So I'm sorry for having
Such a hard time of forgiving you.
And I hope that one day you'll forgive me, too.
But I don't think I'm ready yet.
I'm not perfect.
My life is not perfect-
I would never expect it to be.
But let me fix a few things.
Let me grow some more.
Give me my time,
Though it seems like too much,
But please, please do,
Because I want to try again one day.
One day when we can all
Just put this behind us,
Because I am tired of going
Back through all the details
And each one thinking themselves
Exactly right,
Not willing to look at it another way.
It hardly matters anymore.
It happened and it's done,
And I'm so tired of talking about it.
So one day I want to start again.
I want to start a friendship.
I want to start a new day.

Don't Go

I jumped a fence at midnight
Again at three a.m.
We shiver as we speak
But don't want to go in.
My toes went numb,
My heart swelled,
The tears came,
My breath held.
When the only words
You can think to say
Are "Don't go"
But he can't stay-
When all the things
You wanted to hear,
Even the ones you
Just slightly fear-
When you beg him,
And a promise he gives,
When you wish it was closer,
The place where he lives.
He's traveling now,
But I'm stuck still
He moves forward,
Big shoes to fill.
And I sit here empty,
Can't figure this out
What should I do?
I'm so full of doubt.
I give my trust,
But still wait and see-
I believe every word
Because I want it to be.
I know that he's different,
Like no one before,
I've given so much
But I want to give more.
Yet to leave, to change,
Is so hard to do:
To repeat my past,
Or to start anew?
Shall I stay stuck,
Sink lower still,
Can I even ask,
Ignore my strong will?
Wait, as always,
And hope things improve-
Cowardly, perhaps,
But there's nothing to lose.

Bold

There's a light in the night sky
Like a torch in the air
There's a flutter in my chest
Like I really, really care.
I feel them on my lips
Like a yet ungiven kiss
And I still won't say
But, babe, tell me this-
Crazy, are you? As am I
But tell me your every thought
Let me know what you feel
Tell me cold or hot
Day in and out,
Through this month cold,
Each day is you
Bled and bold
I overthink so much
But regrets I haven't a one
More and more I like my days
The laughter and the fun
Each day I learn things new
And less in sun I sleep
I bare with ease the time between
Even though it seems to creep.

Envy

I envy you-
That you can fall apart,
That you can drink yourself stupid.
I envy you,
That you never have to,
That your days are yours.
I envy you,
That you can stay or go,
That you can hide,
That you can sleep and drink and not care,
Not a care in the world.
I envy you,
That you can spend your time in a haze,
And never need to focus.
I envy you,
That you can float and blink,
That you can breathe.
I envy you,
Your confidence,
Your everything.
I envy you,
That you don't need anything,
That you don't need...
Me.

Afraid, I Am

You can't know how afraid I am:
Afraid of losing you,
Afraid of losing home,
Of losing this.
You can't know how much I think:
About leaving,
About loving,
About liars and losers.
I can't ask, and you haven't.
And you don't know how that scares me.
What do I expect?
For you to just come out and say it?
I could never expect that of you.
Not now. Not so soon.
I'm only driving myself crazy again,
Over problems that aren't real,
And the few that are.
But what is to be done?
What is it that I want?
Whose acceptance do I crave?
I am afraid.
To be honest, I'm afraid of you.
I'm afraid of us.
I don't know what I want-
Do I ever?!

For the Count

I'm having trouble fighting
My punches barely swing
My lip is swollen, bloody,
My eye's a dark blue ring.
It kicks me to the ground
The asphalt scrapes my skin
My lungs are torn, empty,
And so I count to ten:
Ein, zwei, drei, vier,
To my feet I get-
Funf, sechs, sieben, acht,
Time to settle debts.
Nein, zehn, dodge again
Duck, tuck, roll
Time to strike out
Time to be bold.
Throw out a fist,
An elbow, a kick
Stop being afraid,
It's your fight to pick.
Don't let them keep you
Still, back, or down
Don't let them see you
Cry, fall, or drown.

Review

To reflect, let's go back too far.
At the end, I felt a failure.
I failed at being a partner,
At being a mother,
A sister, an aunt.
I failed at most everything
I had tried to do.
I lost a job I loved,
Because someone gave the word.
I lost people I cared for
Because I didn't watch my words.
I lost the time I'd spent,
The work I had done,
The progress I had made.
Rarely had I felt so very low.

In a year, I worked hard.
I made visits and apologies.
I made friends and French fries.
I took a new job, and
I mastered it.
I accepted new challenges,
And some I conquered.
I made it my goal to
Fight the tears,
To move forward.
I took a step back-
But I learned from my mistakes
For once
And I began to run.
I talked to myself
Far too much.
I opened myself up
To new things that,
Maybe, I shouldn't have.
But I don't regret because
From all these things,
Above every other feeling,
I have learned
And I am glad.
So thank you,
All of you,
Who have given me chances-
All of you who told me
That I could, for you gave me strength-
Who told me I could not,
For you gave me defiance.
And for another year,
I will fight with every breath,
Through the high days
As well as the low,
Through the drawbacks,
The step-ups,
The endless words
And petty grudges.
For another year of birthdays,
Of seasons and half-price shakes,
Of weddings, celebrations,
And Sweeny Pride Day-
For another year,
I'll keep growing.

Anger in Disguise

I think I'm going to cry
And scream
And pound my fists against the wall
I'm not allowed to eat,
To live
Not allowed to feel at all
Every joy is ripped from me
Each day
Everything is taken
I can't keep a single thing
Not air
All has been forsaken.
It presses on my chest
Breathless
And the tears push from my eyes
The panic in my bones
The fear
The anger in disguise
They have taken it over
My life
My everything I want
And still here I am dreaming
Of her
Because she loves to haunt.

TNT

I'm a fire in the wind
I'm a book from end to end.
I'm a girl with sleepy eyes
I'm TNT in dark disguise.
I feel afraid, awake, amazed
I feel unwanted, unphased.
I feel pushed and poked,
I feel stuck and stoked.
He is leather, he is brick
He is punch and slap and kick.
He is calm, composed, and cool
He has set me just one rule.
He is lonely, sad, confused
He's been torn and hurt and used.
He is human, as am I
He is strange and I know why.

Blind

I'll make you go blind
And I'll make you run
I'll get us in trouble
Just to have some fun.
I'll scream and I'll cry
'Til I get my way
Though what I want
Is not here to stay.
I'll make you mess up,
I'll make you slip
I want you to fumble
And stumble and trip.
I'll make you confused,
Like a drug so sweet
I'll daze you and craze you
From the moment we meet.
I'll push you and tug you,
I'll drag, and claw, and scratch,
I'll tie you and buy you
I'll beg, and tease, and catch.
You can never win-
I just need you to play.
I need you to fail,
I need you to pay.
It was never you,
As it never was me.
It's not who you are-
It's what I want you to be.

Wake

I hate waking up.
I can feel the shaking,
The headaches,
The itchy eyes
And foggy mind.
Climbing out of bed,
Feet hurting,
Losing my balance.
I hate waking up:
The fake feeling,
The dreamlike buzz
Still lingering in my vision.
I hate wobbling,
Breaking through the grogginess,
Feeling dizzy
Just from being conscious.
I hate having no energy,
And not even being hungry.
Obligations to fulfill,
Time to kill.
It seems I have nothing to do,
But everything to accomplish.
No one to talk to,
But everyone to listen to.
Time on my hands,
But it slips through my fingers
Like a dream you can't remember.
I hate trying to find peace,
Laughter, normalcy.
I dread those surreal moments,
When I'm not sure that I'm true,
Uncertain that this is life.
I don't know where,
Or how, or who I am.
I despise the confusion of morning.
I hate waking up.
But I hate dreaming even more.

Compass Points

It seems to come from nowhere,
Though it's myself
Slowly breaking down.
This gaping cavity,
My passion removed-
And my commander along.
Where is steadiness
When I now need her?
What friends have I?
True? Untrusted?
What's the motive,
The status?
I move in seconds
From normal to tears
And I know it's caused
By my lack of control.
I have to be her,
Each,
All-
Perhaps not in equal measure
But each serves her
Own special purpose.
My compass points and spins,
Guides me, or tries,
And what choice have I
But to trust it?

Must Dream

Everything is broken,
Myself most of all.
I'm having me a moment
I want to peel off
All of my skin.
So hungry- Can't eat;
So tired- Can't sleep.
Can't drink. Must dream.
My insides so fickle,
Trying to confuse me,
Trying to convince me.
But again- what do I want?
Peace!
I don't wanna go to work
I just want to crawl in bed
I don't want to talk-
I just want someone here.
Don't want to itch
Or scratch
Or burn
Don't want to walk
Or cry
Or run!

Venture

I make a slow circle
Around this, my little world
And see the chaos
I have caused here.
I look back on yesterday,
And the day before,
And I question my
Every action.
Who commands and decides?
Who directs and orders?
Where, to whom, are my loyalties?
I Kendahl this little fire,
And ask myself as I've been asked-
What do I want?
Am I searching for
That kind of adventure?
Kimi whispers "No!"
But on another level,
I can't help but wonder...
Not my "if's" again!
I remember her for
Who she is not-
And is that wrong?
Or good?
Or just, like me, insane?
I have not forgotten,
How could I?
That sweet smile
And hair so soft.
I miss my songs.
I miss my pages,
With all the advice
I will ever need;
For when in doubt,
For which way to go.
The same same things,
The familiar words.
Spout from the speakers-
Variations on themes.
Am I trapped along my circle?
It comes back to the same.
As do I?- As do I.
Balance her out, I suppose,
But with whom?
I couldn't say.
How can I hold back?
Must it be all or none?
Four on one?

Film

Lids are lowered
And the film begins,
A life of its own
Though originally within.
I breathe into it,
Or it into I-
Whichever truth,
Either sky.
They dance there,
As the music rings;
Free from face,
Free to sing.

Explicable

Sometimes it gets quiet
And I love the lack of sound.
Others it grows busy
And the movement keeps me sane.
There are times when
I have too much myself,
When I dwell on tense,
When I truly am missing.
Some days I hear them,
Those four with their
Own wants and needs.
I love the moments
During which it is LIFE,
When I can accept,
Without regret or bitterness:
When my heart is not breaking
And my soul is intact-
But then, some stimulus
Jolts me to a dark place,
A sad face,
And suddenly this
Pressure on my chest
Is aching with such
Strangely explicable dread.
Everything!
So many little things
In everyday life,
Those little moments
Caught in time
That are screaming a name!
Inescapable she is,
And poor Kimi gets
The worst of it.
Is that what they are,
My plans?
Are they a release,
A means to cope?
Of course!?
My head is whirling,
And I am glad for it,
As lately I've been
Too occupied to have
This precious time to myself.

Clover

Have you ever felt a burn
To run and try and do?
Have you longed for adventure,
To just try something new?
Are you vodka or bottle,
Effervescent or flat?
Are you switch or bulb,
Vampire or bat?
Do you sing in treetops,
Or simply in the shower?
Do you live each minute
In the passing of an hour?
Do you dodge,
Or with punches roll?
Do you block
Or make the goal?
I will walk differently;
Or will you in step fall?
Are you slouched
Or standing tall?
Are you anxious,
Sad, or blue-
Are you among
The righteous few?
Do you take shots-
In chest, in jest, of whiskey?
Are you social-
Or shy, or fly, or frisky?
Which do you choose
In Truth or Dare?
Can you be honest?
Are you bare?
Are you lucky,
Glad and green?
Do you keep secrets
That none have seen?
Do you hide
Or are you proud?
Are you rain,
Or merely cloud?

I'd Rather Be Home

Memories rise in my throat
Like an acid sort of bile-
So many things I can't explain
And a dull ache in my head.
My mouth feels full of cotton,
My dreams, I fear, won't help.
The chip on my nails,
The bite I can't repress,
All these things set
My teeth on edge,
As lately they always
Do seem to be.
So empty of water,
So glad for my pencil-
I wish I could
Describe this better,
This tingle in my bones
This ripple across my skin.
It's like I've been
Locked in a closet
And my skeletons surround,
Can't gain my footing
For the shoes piled.
It's like I'm stuck
In a tent that is
Too small and stuffy,
But the zipper won't budge
And the ground is hard.
Will I sleep?
Will I dream?
Will I cry
Or inside scream?