Rain~bow

This weather is so

Fitting, so perfect for me
At present. Will I ever
Get out of this?
Won't I ever be able
To function as I
Should? I can't focus,
I can't eat:
I either roll and
Dread all night, or lack
The energy to keep
My eyes aloft through
The day. My bed
Is draped with
Poppies and bluebonnets,
Enticing, calling for me.
It is as though her
Arms have wrapped around
Me, and she whispers

In my ear: whispers
Dark things, colors
My world with a single
Tint of Karen blue.
Every time I think,
My head goes spinning
And I can hardly
Ever find the drive to
Concentrate on a single
Thing, a single idea,
For long enough to be
Productive.
Me? Productive?
I wish! I'm far
Too busy skipping across
This insane rainbow
Of myself that twists
And turns through the
Clouds, never deciding
Where it might lead.
When ever have colors
Been less joyful than this?

Color Wheel

Red, blue, brown and green.
They spin and switch
Places, juggling each
Other unevenly.
Maybe red and blue
Don't quite mix.
Like oil in water-
Put them in a bottle
And shake them all
You like- but to
The end they will
Fight each other.
So they color my world-
They are in the trees
And the sky,

In and around my
Home. Everything has
Color. There is even color
In my eyes.
There is sadness and,
Of course, beauty in this
Mix of color- but, oh,
How often I long for
Simply black and white.
Even night time offers
No escape: only hues
Of darkest blue.
The brightness of
Morning reveals, true yet
Subtle, every shade
Of Kadence red.
I hate being trapped
Inside! Because it
Is outside that green
Prevails and overwhelms
The world, bringing
Excitement of all kinds
Into my field of vision.
But, I realize now,
It is not only about
The colors that can be
Seen- more important
Are the colors that
Can be felt.

Hysterical

The way I feel it,
For right now-
For this minute it is
Hilarious.
It's not a cliche
For once- I never
Saw it coming!
Although perhaps
I should have.
I'm shaking with this
Sudden realization!
How could I not see
It before? It was in
My face for so long...
But now who can I tell?
I can't keep this new
Feeling locked tight
Inside- I want to tell
Everyone! But I can't
Do that. I won't.
But I have to do
Something!
I must have lost my mind...
But at the same time,
I have found it.
It all comes together
Now, all the jigsaw
Pieces fitting snugly
Into place now that
I have the missing part.
Still, I don't know
If this is a good thing,
Or what I want.
Wait.
Happiness is what I
Want- and not just for me.
My fingers tremble
While I type-
What reaction do I
Crave? I can't even
Begin to imagine...
I keep wanting to
Laugh into this empty
Room; Laugh at this irony.
But, Shh!
Can't tell yet...
Can't tell anyone.
But I will have to tell-
I can't keep this a secret.
Not from everyone, anyway.
There is someone I
Must tell.
But when, how?
Can I really say it
Out loud?
Is this real?
I want to cry-
Because I should
Have known sooner?
Because I want to tell?
I just don't know!
I finally- almost-
Know what I want.
But how can I ever have it?

Flare

I'm on an "I hate"
Rampage, and maybe
I shouldn't be eating
Just now, but I
Feel like I must while
I can. Trying to do
Too many things at
A time, trying to solve
This excruciating puzzle.
No idea what I should
Say. Paranoid over
Something that shouldn't
Even cross my mind.
And that one simple
Statement, that I don't
Understand. Who did
It come from?
More importantly,
I know who it didn't
Come from.
Who it should have come
From. But I can't
Tell anyone that.
There are too many things
That I can't tell anyone!
And now my stomach
Is tossing and roiling-
Not just from lunch-
And I don't know what
I am supposed to do!
I have that dreaded
Feeling, of wishing
I could throw up, in
A way that is entirely
In my head.
Why are so many things
Trapped inside my mind!?
I've done it again.
The cliche mistake.
Don't you think I
Would learn! Can't
I move past myself?
Can't I grow?!
Or am I stuck forever
Beneath this tree,

The same one from before,
The one that holds me back
While taunting me with
Fractured promises
And cracked dreams.
I hate!
Myself, my mistakes,
My choices- above all, my
Insecurities.
But I take small comfort
In knowing that this
Is a moodswing hate,
That these are not true
Feelings but a temporary
Flare. And for now
The storm has quelled,
And I will try to calm
It further. So wish me
Luck, sweet Catharsis,
And hope that more time
Might pass before
I call on you again.