Unnatural

The worst part is
That I don't know-
Which one has me jealous?
One journey is
Just beginning, but
Will it be a short one?
And the other has
Been my path for some
Time. Years, I believe.
So long that I don't
Know, really, when it
First began. For so
Long I have traveled,
Have gone in circles
About myself, only
To arrive at the
Same place again
And again. And see!
Even now, it takes
Only two words,
And up I jump,
At every beck and
Call, in every cheesy
Way. A small question
Leaves me breathless-
I'm so hopeless!
I'm gone!
But at the same time...

I'm so desperate
To begin again,
To move forward
Rather than trudge
This soulless loop
For all eternity.
My only option is to
Try. And I am.
Sort of.
But I can't tell
How hard I should
Hold on, and how
Much I need to
Let go. Still, I
Give the effort.
I hate that the
Old things still
Chase me, things
That keep digging
Back out of the ground,
Skeletons in the closet
That somehow find
Their way out.
I want a new closet!
New things to put
In it! Can't I
Have a reprieve?
I'd like to be
Above this time!
I hate this "permission"
That perhaps my head
Has only created.
So many times
The wounds have
Been reopened-
They bleed again now,
When I thought they
Had healed for good.
Since when did I
Start wanting something
Normal? A relationship
Most of all. It seems
That all of mine are...
Unnatural.