Review

To reflect, let's go back too far.
At the end, I felt a failure.
I failed at being a partner,
At being a mother,
A sister, an aunt.
I failed at most everything
I had tried to do.
I lost a job I loved,
Because someone gave the word.
I lost people I cared for
Because I didn't watch my words.
I lost the time I'd spent,
The work I had done,
The progress I had made.
Rarely had I felt so very low.

In a year, I worked hard.
I made visits and apologies.
I made friends and French fries.
I took a new job, and
I mastered it.
I accepted new challenges,
And some I conquered.
I made it my goal to
Fight the tears,
To move forward.
I took a step back-
But I learned from my mistakes
For once
And I began to run.
I talked to myself
Far too much.
I opened myself up
To new things that,
Maybe, I shouldn't have.
But I don't regret because
From all these things,
Above every other feeling,
I have learned
And I am glad.
So thank you,
All of you,
Who have given me chances-
All of you who told me
That I could, for you gave me strength-
Who told me I could not,
For you gave me defiance.
And for another year,
I will fight with every breath,
Through the high days
As well as the low,
Through the drawbacks,
The step-ups,
The endless words
And petty grudges.
For another year of birthdays,
Of seasons and half-price shakes,
Of weddings, celebrations,
And Sweeny Pride Day-
For another year,
I'll keep growing.

Anger in Disguise

I think I'm going to cry
And scream
And pound my fists against the wall
I'm not allowed to eat,
To live
Not allowed to feel at all
Every joy is ripped from me
Each day
Everything is taken
I can't keep a single thing
Not air
All has been forsaken.
It presses on my chest
Breathless
And the tears push from my eyes
The panic in my bones
The fear
The anger in disguise
They have taken it over
My life
My everything I want
And still here I am dreaming
Of her
Because she loves to haunt.

TNT

I'm a fire in the wind
I'm a book from end to end.
I'm a girl with sleepy eyes
I'm TNT in dark disguise.
I feel afraid, awake, amazed
I feel unwanted, unphased.
I feel pushed and poked,
I feel stuck and stoked.
He is leather, he is brick
He is punch and slap and kick.
He is calm, composed, and cool
He has set me just one rule.
He is lonely, sad, confused
He's been torn and hurt and used.
He is human, as am I
He is strange and I know why.

Blind

I'll make you go blind
And I'll make you run
I'll get us in trouble
Just to have some fun.
I'll scream and I'll cry
'Til I get my way
Though what I want
Is not here to stay.
I'll make you mess up,
I'll make you slip
I want you to fumble
And stumble and trip.
I'll make you confused,
Like a drug so sweet
I'll daze you and craze you
From the moment we meet.
I'll push you and tug you,
I'll drag, and claw, and scratch,
I'll tie you and buy you
I'll beg, and tease, and catch.
You can never win-
I just need you to play.
I need you to fail,
I need you to pay.
It was never you,
As it never was me.
It's not who you are-
It's what I want you to be.

Wake

I hate waking up.
I can feel the shaking,
The headaches,
The itchy eyes
And foggy mind.
Climbing out of bed,
Feet hurting,
Losing my balance.
I hate waking up:
The fake feeling,
The dreamlike buzz
Still lingering in my vision.
I hate wobbling,
Breaking through the grogginess,
Feeling dizzy
Just from being conscious.
I hate having no energy,
And not even being hungry.
Obligations to fulfill,
Time to kill.
It seems I have nothing to do,
But everything to accomplish.
No one to talk to,
But everyone to listen to.
Time on my hands,
But it slips through my fingers
Like a dream you can't remember.
I hate trying to find peace,
Laughter, normalcy.
I dread those surreal moments,
When I'm not sure that I'm true,
Uncertain that this is life.
I don't know where,
Or how, or who I am.
I despise the confusion of morning.
I hate waking up.
But I hate dreaming even more.

Compass Points

It seems to come from nowhere,
Though it's myself
Slowly breaking down.
This gaping cavity,
My passion removed-
And my commander along.
Where is steadiness
When I now need her?
What friends have I?
True? Untrusted?
What's the motive,
The status?
I move in seconds
From normal to tears
And I know it's caused
By my lack of control.
I have to be her,
Each,
All-
Perhaps not in equal measure
But each serves her
Own special purpose.
My compass points and spins,
Guides me, or tries,
And what choice have I
But to trust it?

Must Dream

Everything is broken,
Myself most of all.
I'm having me a moment
I want to peel off
All of my skin.
So hungry- Can't eat;
So tired- Can't sleep.
Can't drink. Must dream.
My insides so fickle,
Trying to confuse me,
Trying to convince me.
But again- what do I want?
Peace!
I don't wanna go to work
I just want to crawl in bed
I don't want to talk-
I just want someone here.
Don't want to itch
Or scratch
Or burn
Don't want to walk
Or cry
Or run!

Venture

I make a slow circle
Around this, my little world
And see the chaos
I have caused here.
I look back on yesterday,
And the day before,
And I question my
Every action.
Who commands and decides?
Who directs and orders?
Where, to whom, are my loyalties?
I Kendahl this little fire,
And ask myself as I've been asked-
What do I want?
Am I searching for
That kind of adventure?
Kimi whispers "No!"
But on another level,
I can't help but wonder...
Not my "if's" again!
I remember her for
Who she is not-
And is that wrong?
Or good?
Or just, like me, insane?
I have not forgotten,
How could I?
That sweet smile
And hair so soft.
I miss my songs.
I miss my pages,
With all the advice
I will ever need;
For when in doubt,
For which way to go.
The same same things,
The familiar words.
Spout from the speakers-
Variations on themes.
Am I trapped along my circle?
It comes back to the same.
As do I?- As do I.
Balance her out, I suppose,
But with whom?
I couldn't say.
How can I hold back?
Must it be all or none?
Four on one?

Film

Lids are lowered
And the film begins,
A life of its own
Though originally within.
I breathe into it,
Or it into I-
Whichever truth,
Either sky.
They dance there,
As the music rings;
Free from face,
Free to sing.

Explicable

Sometimes it gets quiet
And I love the lack of sound.
Others it grows busy
And the movement keeps me sane.
There are times when
I have too much myself,
When I dwell on tense,
When I truly am missing.
Some days I hear them,
Those four with their
Own wants and needs.
I love the moments
During which it is LIFE,
When I can accept,
Without regret or bitterness:
When my heart is not breaking
And my soul is intact-
But then, some stimulus
Jolts me to a dark place,
A sad face,
And suddenly this
Pressure on my chest
Is aching with such
Strangely explicable dread.
Everything!
So many little things
In everyday life,
Those little moments
Caught in time
That are screaming a name!
Inescapable she is,
And poor Kimi gets
The worst of it.
Is that what they are,
My plans?
Are they a release,
A means to cope?
Of course!?
My head is whirling,
And I am glad for it,
As lately I've been
Too occupied to have
This precious time to myself.

Clover

Have you ever felt a burn
To run and try and do?
Have you longed for adventure,
To just try something new?
Are you vodka or bottle,
Effervescent or flat?
Are you switch or bulb,
Vampire or bat?
Do you sing in treetops,
Or simply in the shower?
Do you live each minute
In the passing of an hour?
Do you dodge,
Or with punches roll?
Do you block
Or make the goal?
I will walk differently;
Or will you in step fall?
Are you slouched
Or standing tall?
Are you anxious,
Sad, or blue-
Are you among
The righteous few?
Do you take shots-
In chest, in jest, of whiskey?
Are you social-
Or shy, or fly, or frisky?
Which do you choose
In Truth or Dare?
Can you be honest?
Are you bare?
Are you lucky,
Glad and green?
Do you keep secrets
That none have seen?
Do you hide
Or are you proud?
Are you rain,
Or merely cloud?

I'd Rather Be Home

Memories rise in my throat
Like an acid sort of bile-
So many things I can't explain
And a dull ache in my head.
My mouth feels full of cotton,
My dreams, I fear, won't help.
The chip on my nails,
The bite I can't repress,
All these things set
My teeth on edge,
As lately they always
Do seem to be.
So empty of water,
So glad for my pencil-
I wish I could
Describe this better,
This tingle in my bones
This ripple across my skin.
It's like I've been
Locked in a closet
And my skeletons surround,
Can't gain my footing
For the shoes piled.
It's like I'm stuck
In a tent that is
Too small and stuffy,
But the zipper won't budge
And the ground is hard.
Will I sleep?
Will I dream?
Will I cry
Or inside scream?

In Me

If you think I don't,
Think again-
If you think I lied,
Think twice.
If I didn't care,
Would I be here?
Would I still bleed?
What and why
Would I still write?
I dwell, and I think,
And I labor in silence,
I consider it all again.
No matter the past,
Long ago or closer,
I can't stop it-
I could sooner stop
Eating or breathing,
Talking or singing.
I can't help but care,
I can't stop thinking
And feeling
And feeling sorry:
But from me and
From you, we each want-
Nothing? Everything?
The old or the new?
In every breath of air,
In each single sight I see,
In the ground and the trees
And the music- in me.

Slap

Ahh, and here it comes again.
Half a test, if that.
Perhaps naturally might
It happen tonight,
Sooner and lesser
Than I had planned.
Worse in the long term?
Will it still be
Quick and close?
Few words deny hate,
Reflecting my own.
My rib cage tenses,
Filled with anxiety-
And again I realize
How few words it
Takes to make me jump.
So little has changed.
All is, as has passed.
Will they even look,
Once comes the time?
How well will I hide?
I'm wearily wary,
Eager but dreading,
And all is conflicted.
Where is my music?
That gin and kerosene?
Wow, is it messed up,
A slap across the face
But I know I can't awake,
Chewing on my tongue
And now my bed stares.
Everything is hers,
She owns it all.
She is queen of the world,
While I am only
A torn little girl.

Life and Eye

Slightly, a little of
Paper and pen,
Tonic and gin.
Softly, a short breath
To carry a word,
To say what I heard.
My time running out,
Teeth bite my mouth,
And essence draws closer,
Closer, pressing,
Curse or blessing.
Panic settles,
Pots and kettles.
Eyes are wide,
Lips the same-
Will I be thrilled
Or crushed I came?
Even that, I cannot.
Many times though
I have tried,
A few of them with
Time to bide:
Time to hide?
Saw my beams
And take my blades,
Say your quotes
And make your trades.
Tooth and life and eye,
Earth and wind and sky.

Short and Sour

I haven't a clue why I hold you,
What secrets you still have
To unlock for me.
I can't describe just what I think,
I don't know the truth from lies.
Today, one voice almost
Forced me into tears,
And the constant chatter
Puts me ever on edge.
Renewed themes scroll me,
Knock me at the door.
I have so little time,
And I fear she'll again
Be proven right.
Still unknowing what I want;
But you'll talk me through, won't you?

Pensieve

Sweating though my feet are cold,
Fighting phone calls and cold coffee.
Crackly music pounds the walls,
And somehow a green dot has me on edge,
I think because of that song.
It's painfully quiet today,
The world tipped and crooked.
Headache or caffeine crush?
I need a clearer, an eraser,
And usually this will have to do.
To fling it from my mind,
Withdraw it to be placed in this Pensieve.

He's hiding and quiet-
Calm or something different?
Avoidance, or not even paying attention?
I feel somehow drenched,
Like I've spent too long in the shower
Trying to wash myself away.
As many times as I try and deny,
I come around again to the same.
Maybe she is right (she usually is).
But can I take that chance?
Can I forgive and forget?
Is that even what I want?
(Of course it is)
But it's not!
It runs through my head so many times,
The same few things, asleep or awake.
Greetings and the fight,
The offer or the fortunate mishap.
And him.. I don't know.
Something keeps slipping from my mind,
And I think this it is that scares me most.
Why can't I remember, or pretend,
In my dreams or my days?
Because if I don't...
I'm terrified of what that might mean.
For all of us.
I hope, I wish, it is merely oversight-
An unknown, perhaps, a Nessie of sorts.
I may never really know,
For if I do,
That would mean the worst.

Coping

My coffee keeps getting cold
As I try to melt the sour stone
That shifts uncomfortably
In the bottom of my stomach.
I'm aching for Mango,
To spin up the volume,
Buds in each ear, and just
Let it scream to me a lullaby.
What else can calm me,
On a day like this?
I'm antsy and trapped and
Lacking enough air-
My arms prone to throw and
My thoughts bouncing unchecked.
Chords beg to vibrate,
To let out as loud a stroke
As my lungs will allow.
And here, behind my eyes,
This pressure keeps building
And building.
Can I do this, day to day?
It's not constant-
But still, can I cope?
Is this feasible?
Everything makes me angry;
This is simply not my Monday.
I'm hot and I'm hungry.
I'm lonely yet long to be alone.
I can hardly wait-
I'm craving my reprieve,
My own, my solitude.
I'm sweating and sad.
I'm outside and in.
I'm jittery and impatient;
So what do I do now?

Ebony and Onyx

Which is worse?
To ask of life,
Or of death?
No, I tell freely,
I had no right-
But how can it be said

That I'm the one here
Who is messed up?
True though may it be,
Us two are pot and kettle,
Driven each, perhaps, by
Our own self-hatred.
Ebony and Onyx,
Both consumed by
Disgust for the other.
To each their own-
Less bothered am I
By those who sin
In another way from mine.
But constantly irksome
Are those that sin the
Very same, yet pass
Judgment on me.

Flesh

Meant to be good news
But now it fills my mind
With hope or dread?
Hit it again, hold it in.
Keep your eyes unclosed.
Will I regress, as
Already I have been?
Once more enslaved,
A servant to dreams?
These words are
Only words-
Where do we truly live?
Is it only flesh?
Or at night do we
Become monsters as in
Legend?

"This heart is where you truly live! This heart! Here! This flesh is only flesh!"

My skin is stretched
And scarred, my face
Is stressed and plain,
My hair is frizzy
And sticks out at odd
Angles, and my glasses
Are broken because I am
Stupid and careless.
It's said to break a mirror
Gives seven years' bad luck,
But so much reflection-
Won't it destroy the soul?

Stoker

"It was my hand that sent her to the stars. It was the hand of him that loved her best, the hand that of all she would herself have chosen, had it been to her to choose"

So many places I find
In which I might utilize
This contextual, essential,
Old and underused quote!
Upon its discovery by
Lowly little me,
Very nearly my heart wept
With open honesty-
So often I realize, that which
I long to describe has, before
My very existence, already been
Construed to the letter,
If without the exact circumstance
That surrounds my very being.
This is the stuff of dreams!-
Whether truly it is want,
Or if instead my hidden madness
(Although the extent to which
It is secret remains questionable),
Either of these or something else,
Still I strive for understanding
And still I uncover the long-ago
Written sentiments that are alive
This very day, so long after an
Author's death, after anyone
Might truly recognize the reference.
But this one captures fully
What took place in a dream:
That full trust that I crave,
The sincerity that I need!
Once upon a sleep,
When fire and blades
Were my allies...
And the wielder?
Perhaps always a mystery
It shall remain,
For to ask would, ironically,
Be life threatening.
Must removed my Lucy's
Head be? Must this battle
Ruefully go on?
I know of one with hope,
One that I trust with so much.
So, perhaps for now,
I simply wait and watch.

Facade

People aren't real;
They all pretend,
Some more than others.
But we all put on
A fake face and a facade.
Self-image imposed,
Projection or inflection-
Everyone is concerned
With what the world sees.
Don't they know that
Society is blind?
Their twisted sense of beauty,
An erasure of morality-
What have they all taught us?
Life is to be split,
Fiction from reality,
Yourself from your image.
What comes of this?
Heartache and confusion?
And the number one misnomer,
Miscommunication.
All this horrid censorship:
First books, some people,
What else is to be burned?
We lie in the face
Of anyone whose respect we crave.
But I still can't see
Just what is so wrong
With simply being.
Are you so awful,
So cruel and unintelligent,
Soulless and uncaring,
That you can't show your
Face to the world?
Are we a planet populated
By paper bags to veil
Our sincerest shame?
Uncover your face,
Unhide your eyes-
Open your mouth and
Spread your smile.