Shake

This, I have to
Get out of my head:
This royal mess-up
That I can (mostly)
Accept, but that
Utterly terrifies
Me. It was there!
It was real! I
Honestly believe
This to be true-
But I can't know
It, not in any
Way that someone
Could understand.
But it was:
Haven't you ever
Had a feeling that
You just couldn't shake,
A sleep that you just
Couldn't wake, a dream
That refused to stay
In bed? This is how
I feel, that it
Started as a dream,
Became a feeling.
I felt it because
It was real!
I felt it deep in
My bones, in my heart,
In my body and my dreams.
But somehow...
Not somehow.
I know exactly how.
I know precisely
What happened,
And so as not to
Dwell on it, regret
It for the rest of
My life, so as not
To dread its repetition,
To move on,
I admit it to myself:
It's my fault!
My own carelessness
Has brought me here!
This shame that lingers
In my mind...
I hate it.
It festers and boils up
At times when I thought
I had beaten it back.
But can I ever?!
Can I ever accept this?
It was there,
And now it's not.
And I am the reason.
There is no blame-passing
Here. All me. All
Horrible and...
Regretful? Do I
Regret? Is it something
To regret? I can't
Ever forget.
Ahh!
I need to scream!
I hate this feeling
Of complete failure.
I hate that I can
Still doubt.
And most of all,
I hate that I will
Ever hold on to
This "What if?"