04 September, 2012

Subject Jumping

A little dizzy
Cold, but sweaty
Wet for many reasons.
To be touched,
To be held:
Exactly what I want
But to be loved,
To be kissed?
This is what I crave.
Longing, wishing-
What happened to us?
I miss him-
Don't think about it!
Was it love,
Or just physical?
I miss his hands.
His lips.
His voice.
But I don't want it back.
I almost cry,
I fight these tears.
I can take it.
I hope.
I can move on.
He's not important.
I can live without him,
As I keep telling myself.
Yes, I talk to myself.
At times, it feels
Like no one else does-
So I might as well.
I love this,
This mania,
This escape from thought,
Though filled with it.
Does it make sense?
Right now it does,
But tomorrow?
I'll find out.
His eyes stalk me,
In dreams and awake.
Sometimes I can shake him
But there are days
When nothing else is real,
Nothing but memories
Of his lips on mine,
His voice in my ear,
His taste on my tongue,
His words on my mind,
And now
Although I see his face
I can't recall
His feelings to show
Or his reasons;
But his lips
Inspire dreams
Of everything:
Even of Charlotte,
That ghost that I long for
In sleep and out,
In all my fantasies,
That golden-haired angel
For whom I would do
Anything, even if it
Meant destroying my life
And all sanity.
Of Charlotte, I could
Write forever,
Though we have yet to meet.
I want her, my beauty,
My sweet little girl.
She's not real!
I remind myself so often
For when I wake,
I often expect
To see her face,
To hear her voice:
"Mommy?"
No! Don't think of her!
I can't think of her!
Not now, not when
Everything is so
Fucked up, with
These sounds around me
And this sinful atmosphere.
But her eyes!
I see them!- I
Can never escape them!
But the truth is...
I don't want to
I want them every morning-
And so, you see,
This is why they won't leave;
I long for them
As I long for stability
And for arms to hold me
As I sleep in peace-
But that can't be!
I don't sleep well,
I don't ever expect to.
I need someone
This gap, it tortures me.
Not always...